Poco

a

DENNIS DINKEL

Poco

Loneliness? No. I've seldom been lonely. I've always had friends around me with whom to joke and laugh. Ashamed? No. I don't think I was ashamed of myself either. I kept it a secret between myself and God but I was not ashamed.

My feelings of melancholy went far beyond the solitude and shame of most of my kind. Perhaps it was discouragement. I was discouraged because I could not fit into the mold that was "good" and acceptable. Because I was different I felt that I had failed. I was wrong, certainly. I had in no way failed because I chose a different form of love.

I never tried to make contact. I never hung around rest rooms or cruised the streets in search of a partner. I dated various girls. We made out but never got serious about each other. Because I was different I never could judge a girl's emotions. I never knew how a girl really felt about me, and I never asked. Someone said one of the girls I went with for a short time had a broken heart because of me. But we remained close friends and we never exchanged harsh words. In fact, she was the one who suggested we stop seeing each other.

Everyone at school seemed normal. In my senior year I decided I would have to go to a different city to meet a love partner. I enrolled in a college about 300 miles from where I lived. It was a large city and I knew that soon my life would be complete.

I met a guy named Mark in March. He was a transfer student and he was going to graduate with my class. He was good looking but terribly shy. I had an outgoing personality and made sure Mark was included in many activities. Slowly he began to come out of his world of silence. He had a rich deep voice and I talked him into trying out for the all-school play. He got the lead and was excellent. He confided to me that he wanted to be an actor. I told him he had an excellent chance of becoming one of the best. He gave me a look of love I had often dreamed about.

I was eighteen the week before graduation. Someone had a party for me. There were no chaperones and there was a lot of kissing and petting going on. I did some. Getting no pleasure at all from it. Then I noticed that Mark had no girl. He talked to many but was not attached to one. Our eyes met and I knew that he wanted me.

He drove me home. I lived ten miles out of town and he was strangely silent, and then suddenly he pulled into a driveway to some farmer's field.

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